Bridal stores gave me “must-do” pamphlets that supported conformity, and encouraged “event”; my daughter preferred a religious ceremony with a quietly-elegant reception.
At five feet tall, and size one, manufactured gowns with beaded bodices, or leg-o-mutton sleeves overwhelmed. Sighs replaced fantasies. I’d once studied costume design; she spoke — I sketched — a dressmaker able to work without a standard pattern made it. Her trim, taffeta and lace hand-done gown (with real buttonholes in the back), and a simple headpiece stated how she felt about herself. A single strand of pearls was the day’s jewelry. It wasn’t “in,” it was her.
She requested a cascade of silk flowers, mostly pink hyacinths like springtime shoots under her childhood bedroom window. Florists sneered. Only one said “that’s a lovely idea.” I hired him.
She told female attendants they should wear whatever made them feel lovely. “Anything, any color, you have in your closet that you like” were unusual words when bridesmaids are traditionally dressed alike. I, and her future mother-in-law, heard the same words.
Mother-of-the-bride, size-four me, with shirtwaists still my favorite garment, seemed to be an affront to salespeople. Available were large matronly dresses. I sketched myself a floaty layer-over-layer of sheer washable fabric for sleeves, skirt, fitted bodice with self-belt and had it made. Dyed shoes, totally simple jewelry, and (like my daughter) my normal hairstyle completed my costume.
When attendants met, for the first time, each dress was different yet correct for the person and place in the wedding! Almost all male attendants wore tuxedos; we told two out-of-towners to save money and wear dark suits though they also walked down the aisle. On the receiving line and meal’s head table, those men didn’t ruin the “cosmetics” that bridal consultants often use as a catch-phrase.
Details. Music while seating guests was to be classical and pleasant and not teary passage-of-time type ... processional ... recessional ... be certain importance is on religious aspect and bride/groom.
I had printed menus at my wedding. “Outdated. Haven’t seen those in 30 years,” I heard at several invitation shops. I found one.
Details. Everyone at head table introduced by bandleader, and honored with mention or special dance. Ballroom music except for an occasional ethnic piece. Table decorations: gardenias floating in crystal bowls. (Growing up, I bought my mother gardenias from my allowance as she liked those flowers. I felt the presence of my deceased parents each time I leaned over to speak to a guest and the special scent rose from the centerpiece.) Lactose-free wedding cake and separate lactose-free meal for bride. Vegetable plates for vegetarians: Tell waiters specifically where those persons are seated. Seat people with their friends. All round tables no larger than eight. Create cake-top of silk. All but that and bride’s bouquet should be fresh flowers that are hardly noticed ... just living, fragrant, colorful background.
Bridal stores gave me “must-do” pamphlets that supported conformity, and encouraged “event”; my daughter preferred a religious ceremony with a quietly-elegant reception.
At five feet tall, and size one, manufactured gowns with beaded bodices, or leg-o-mutton sleeves overwhelmed. Sighs replaced fantasies. I’d once studied costume design; she spoke — I sketched — a dressmaker able to work without a standard pattern made it. Her trim, taffeta and lace hand-done gown (with real buttonholes in the back), and a simple headpiece stated how she felt about herself. A single strand of pearls was the day’s jewelry. It wasn’t “in,” it was her.
She requested a cascade of silk flowers, mostly pink hyacinths like springtime shoots under her childhood bedroom window. Florists sneered. Only one said “that’s a lovely idea.” I hired him.
She told female attendants they should wear whatever made them feel lovely. “Anything, any color, you have in your closet that you like” were unusual words when bridesmaids are traditionally dressed alike. I, and her future mother-in-law, heard the same words.
Mother-of-the-bride, size-four me, with shirtwaists still my favorite garment, seemed to be an affront to salespeople. Available were large matronly dresses. I sketched myself a floaty layer-over-layer of sheer washable fabric for sleeves, skirt, fitted bodice with self-belt and had it made. Dyed shoes, totally simple jewelry, and (like my daughter) my normal hairstyle completed my costume.
When attendants met, for the first time, each dress was different yet correct for the person and place in the wedding! Almost all male attendants wore tuxedos; we told two out-of-towners to save money and wear dark suits though they also walked down the aisle. On the receiving line and meal’s head table, those men didn’t ruin the “cosmetics” that bridal consultants often use as a catch-phrase.
Details. Music while seating guests was to be classical and pleasant and not teary passage-of-time type ... processional ... recessional ... be certain importance is on religious aspect and bride/groom.
I had printed menus at my wedding. “Outdated. Haven’t seen those in 30 years,” I heard at several invitation shops. I found one.
Details. Everyone at head table introduced by bandleader, and honored with mention or special dance. Ballroom music except for an occasional ethnic piece. Table decorations: gardenias floating in crystal bowls. (Growing up, I bought my mother gardenias from my allowance as she liked those flowers. I felt the presence of my deceased parents each time I leaned over to speak to a guest and the special scent rose from the centerpiece.) Lactose-free wedding cake and separate lactose-free meal for bride. Vegetable plates for vegetarians: Tell waiters specifically where those persons are seated. Seat people with their friends. All round tables no larger than eight. Create cake-top of silk. All but that and bride’s bouquet should be fresh flowers that are hardly noticed ... just living, fragrant, colorful background.
Tell photographer to allow family with snapshot cameras to use them. Carry lower-heeled shoes for bride in case she needs at reception meal ... also Band-Aids and sewing items. Make sure wedding starts at 12:30 p.m. as called for with receiving line. Guests can then go to country club for canapés and champagne. Dinner at 2 p.m.: People should be given courtesy of meals close to mealtimes.
Promises: To accept any errors or problems on the special day so everyone, even family, will truly be part of and enjoy it. Promise kept. Aggravation with the tuxedo store, people who put off responding, airline fog that delayed flights the preceding night, for examples, were over.
The New York Times did run a Society piece about her July 1986 Rochester wedding, but gowned in her fluid one-of-a-kind, joined in a moving religious ceremony, dined and danced with elegant but “old fashioned” dignity and music low enough so guests could actually talk to one another, didn’t appear in print.
Lois Greene Stone of Pittsford, writer and poet, has been syndicated worldwide. Poetry and personal essays have been included in hardcover and softcover book anthologies. Her daughter was married in Rochester 26 years ago.
